Necessary Losses: Getting Good at Getting Through Grief

Necessary losses are a part of our lives. Loss softens us, and causes us to reexamine our lives. Many changes come with the loss of someone you loved. It can take many months, or longer to adjust to life without that beloved person. One has to recreate your sense of self.

There is no one correct way to grieve. Recently, I've had patients reflect that in a grief group at a local hospital they were told to sit in a chair and do an hour of grieving each day, but that's not what I would generally recommend. I have found that grief is as individual as your thumb print or a snowflake. Many people report that grief comes in waves of 20-30 minutes, and can be triggered by many different things. You need to grieve your way, and have support for doing so.

Many feelings are normal as we grieve: sadness, anger, fear, relief, abandonment, shock, confusion, and emptiness.

• What factors impact grief?

• Your relationship with the person you lost

• The suddenness or the expected nature of the loss

• Your temperament

• Your coping skills

• Your support system

• Your faith

• Your loss history and having resolved past grief

The more deeply you were attached to the individual, the greater the loss. When I am working with someone who has lost a baby or a child, that is a huge life-changing kind of loss. A couple can be married for 50 plus years, and depending on the quality of the relationship it could be a much more or less difficult transition. Losing your last or only parent can propel you into being the oldest generation in your family. The end of a friendship or the loss of a cherished pet can be very painful, and unearth other feelings of unresolved loss from earlier in your life. Loss is cumulative.

Grieving is hard work. It can make you feel physically and emotionally drained. When you are grieving, it's important to do extreme self-care and nourish yourself as much as you can. There are tasks of mourning to be done, including feeling the pain of the loss and adapting to your life without that person in it to call or spend time with.

Each individual has a loss history. I usually try to take information about previous loss in the first few sessions in counseling individuals. Your history of loss includes all the moves, break-ups, family divorces, job loss, loss of friends as well as loss by death that you have experienced in your lifetime. Looking at how you have coped with past losses and what was helpful can be a good place to start approaching the current loss you may be experiencing.

• What helps people who are grieving?

• Support from friends and family

• Rest

• Eating healthfully

• Getting back into life as you can

• A place or person where you can process your grief

• A growth-oriented mindset

Loss is a part of our lives and while very painful, also allows us to grow and to reflect on our own lives and mortality. Getting good at letting yourself fully grieve allows you to go forward being more open, more loving and with a deeper sense of reverence for the delicate nature of our time here. Understanding how your own loss history informs your life can help you become more fully human and more empathic to others.

When You're Not an Introvert or Extrovert: Meet the Ambivert

In Myers Briggs personality testing, individuals are typed along a continuum from introvert to extrovert. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal (July 28, 2015) by Elizabeth Bernstein introduced a term for the two-thirds of people who are actually towards the middle, calling them ambiverts. There are also recent TEDx talks about how temperament type influences relationships at home and at work. Now we know there are three options on this personality parameter.

Extroverts get energized by being with people. They process their own thoughts as they speak aloud to other people. Extroverts are easy to get to know. They enjoy praise, recognition and awards.

In contrast, true introverts recharge by being by themselves. They can be good with people, but often need time afterwards alone to balance out all the extroversion. They think before they speak and may plan out what they are going to say. Introverts love solitude, which allows them time to internally process their thoughts and feelings.

Ambiverts are well-liked because they are good at both extroversion and introversion. It's like they are bilingual in both modes of being. They can use their intuition to know when to speak and when to listen. These ambivert individuals are moderate; they aren't overly reserved or overly expressive. They are socially flexible.

To help identify if you are an ambivert, consider how you might feel in certain situations. After a busy day at work, what would you want to do after work? Would you rather meet up with friends or go home and unwind by yourself? Ambiverts often split the difference by wanting a little of both. They may want to meet with friends for a bit, then head home for some down time. Ambiverts often choose the middle path, balancing and rebalancing time with people and time alone.

A study published in the Psychological Science journal in June 2013 found ambivert employees at a call center to have better social and emotional flexibility which made them more successful in their work in sales. Adam Grant, a professor of psychology at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania asserts that ambiverts have emotional awareness and flexibility that give them better skills in parenting, marriage and other close relationships.

Ambiverts need to be aware of burnout and boredom which are indicators you may have been stuck too long in the extrovert or introvert mode. It's helpful to be able to look reflectively at situations and know when to withdraw, open up, listen or speak.

Studies suggest that extreme introverts and extreme extroverts make up about one-third of the population, while the remaining two-thirds of us are ambiverts. Knowing your own type on the extroversion scale and being aware of the needs and differences of your partner, your children, your friends and co-workers is useful information to help you flex and understand.

Voice Dialogue: Identifying the Voices in our Heads

Do you realize that we all have inner voices, sometimes known as sub-personalities? Everybody carries around a whole cast of characters. The more aware you can be of your cast, the better your life can become. You don't want one of your unhealthy voices running your life on auto pilot.

Two clinical psychologists in Northern California, Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., developed the therapeutic technique known as "Voice Dialogue.” The idea is not to get rid of any of the internal voices, but to assist them in growing up and becoming more reasonable. This technique is very helpful for unhooking people from roles they have unconsciously played, not letting your behavior choices be dominated by a voice that's immature or destructive, and begin to familiarize you with some healthier, alternative voices.

This concept reminds me of a wonderful, classic book on clinical hypnosis called, My Voice Will Go with You. I have had a number of patients over the years who told me that they could "hear my voice" as a healthy advocate for them in difficult situations, almost as if they had internalized my voice and took a piece of our work together with them into their life.

The ego, or thinking part of the mind, first develops a Protector/Controller role. This happens when we are small children. Later, more sub personalities emerge, depending on our family relationships and environment. For example, primary selves develop like the Pusher, who makes you finish school or go to work, and the Pleaser, who wants to get along with others and be polite at all costs. The Rulemaker develops and tells us what people should be doing, us included. The Critic imposes expectations for our behavior and performance. The Rebel sub personality wants to defy, and not be restricted by the expectations of others.

The primary sub personalities also have opposite or "disowned" parts that are often not conscious. For example, the Pusher has an opposite, the Relaxer, who takes time off to relax, recharge, and play. People who become far too serious and workaholic can be said to have disowned their Relaxer voice and let the Pusher run wild with their life. Similarly, there is a Procrastinator voice whose opposite is the Proactive self. Some people have a Self-Distrusting voice, and the opposite which can be disowned is the Confident self. There are people who are dominated by their Intellectual voice and disown the Experiencing/Emotional self.

The goal in voice dialogue is to develop your ability to observe your inner selves, including the disowned selves, in a mindful way. This leads to more self-acceptance and more internal peace. You want to recognize when the selves are in conflict. If the voices disagree, it causes distress. Being more aware of the different aspects of self, and even the ability to get the healthier voices to dialogue with the less healthy ones, can really make you feel lighter and happier. You can get unstuck from automatic programming developed early in childhood. The attitudes and beliefs of our earliest caregivers can give us our set points.

Meet some of the rest of your cast:

· The Critic: Has to be right, steals your self-confidence, likes to argue, can be critical of self or others. The disowned aspect of the Critic is the Compassionate self, who encourages, feels empathy, and is kind to self and others.
· The Worrier: Likes to make you anxious thinks about "what if?" and fears you won't be able to cope with whatever happens. Its disowned partner is the Equanimity Self, who is confident and self-assured.
· The Caretaker: Puts everyone else's needs first, can't set any boundaries to protect self, and is scared to disappoint anyone. It's disowned self is the Caregiver, who gives to themself and others, but doesn't take responsibility for other people, can say no without feeling guilty.
· The Blamer: Likes to shift responsibility to everyone else, the past, and circumstances beyond their control. Fails to notice their own part in any trouble or conflict. The Blamer is not interested in changing any of their own behaviors. The Blamer is often a Rebel self as well, covering up insecurities through attacking others. The alternative is the Accountable self, who is more objective, can see their own part in situations, and sees the other person's part as well.
· The Victim: Complains about being different, misunderstood, and not appreciated. Some victims really have been through loss, disappointment, or betrayal, but they just can't (or won't) give up that fixed role. There all sorts of fun combos here, as the Victim can join forces with the Critic, the Rebel, or the Blamer for equally unhealthy life scripts. The opposite is the Responsible self, who acknowledges that most people suffer some loss or challenges, but takes responsibility for creating the best life possible, despite difficulties that occur. Amazing things can happen when the Responsible self meets up with the Optimistic self.
· The Enforcer/The Rulemaker: Rigid, unforgiving, inflexible, and tries to exert control as much as possible, over their own life, and those around them. Enjoys checking for mistakes. Needs rules for everything in order to cope with their fears and insecurities. The flip side self is relaxed, flexible, comfortable with guidelines, but doesn't need rules to feel safe. This is a Flexible/Easy-Going Self.
· The Rebel: Feels entitled, wants to do things their own way, and can't exercise self-discipline or set limits with themself. The alternate is the Healthy self, which reminds us to act according to our values instead of always what we feel like.
· The Pessimist: Sees absolutely everything from a negative light, kills the joy in things, ruminates, and predicts doom at all times. The Pessimist is exhausting to be around. Has a hard time trying anything new because they feel it will fail. The Optimist self, in contrast, sees difficulty as a learning curve, and events as short-term, focusing on what action they can take to make a positive difference.
· The Excusemaker: Justifies, uses excuses, and rationalizes why they take unhealthy or negative actions. The disowned part here is the Responsible self.

By identifying your own internal cast of characters, you can move all the personalities along towards finding a healthy, supportive self who is not run on auto pilot from your childhood or your life experiences.

How Birth Order Shapes Us

Are you an oldest, a middle, a youngest, or an only child? How did your position help form your personality? There are a number of influences in forming our personalities: gender, genetics, temperament, our parents' parenting style and ability to attach, environmental and socioeconomic factors, and birth order. Birth order can help explain how children in the same family can grow up to be so different. Birth order can also be fun to look at with couples, as it can be predictive of conflicts.

What are oldest children like? Oldest children get things done. They can either be "compliant nurturers" or assertive. They tend to be exacting, precise, and particular. They are often achievement-oriented, capable, and successful. Those same traits that cause them to be successful at work can cause conflict at home.

Because first borns are the pilot project for new parents, who are often excited and anxious to get it right, pretty much every first for an oldest is celebrated and important. First borns model themselves after the adults in the family. They tend to be organized, on time, and in control. They can also feel a lot of pressure to succeed and sometimes become a secondary parent to younger siblings.

As a growth opportunity, first children need to be sure not too be overly critical of themselves or others. They need to be positively assertive, but not bossy (where they alienate others). They often need to loosen up a little and learn to relax. It's important for oldest children to learn to give consideration to the thoughts and feelings of others, and not act as if they are always right. These individuals need to watch out for perfectionism. Cultivating flexibility and avoiding rigidity is essential. Patience is a virtue oldest children need to learn to truly be successful with others.

Imagine the fun and the potential conflicts when two oldest children decide to partner or marry. Can you say power struggle?

Only children can be functionally like super-charged first borns. They can grow up to be highly perfectionistic. It's also important in understanding the only child to know how they became an only child. Did the parents want additional children and couldn't have them? Did parents plan to have just one child? These parental factors influence the way an only child grows up.

Middle children tend to get along well with others. Psychologist and birth order researcher Kevin Leman calls middle children "mysterious." Their personality is formed partially in response to how they perceive their older sibling. Middle children can be very well-adjusted, and be peacemakers and mediators. They often turn towards friends for support, and can be highly independent and mentally strong. Middle children need to be encouraged to open up, express their opinions, feelings, and preferences.

What about the baby of the family? Last born children tend to be personable, outgoing, and a bit charming. They can be affectionate, like the limelight, but can alternatively tend to be rebellious, over indulged or manipulative. Parents may be more relaxed or worn out by the time the youngest arrives. The youngest child needs to learn to be responsible, direct, and consider other peoples needs.

The middle and youngest child are always affected by the oldest child in the family and the shadow they cast on the family. If the oldest is impacted by problems or disabilities, we can see a middle or youngest child becoming the acting or functional oldest. Other losses, such as parents losing a child or having a miscarriage, also play into birth order.

There are studies reported in Kevin Leman's excellent The New Birth Order Book (Revell Publishers, 2001) which suggest some predictable patterns with certain birth order matches. While there are modifying factors, having a different birth order from that of your partner is considered an easier or more natural match. When you have two oldests, they may get into power struggles unless one is more aggressive and one is the pleaser type of oldest. Two youngest children may be wildly irresponsible together, including with finances. An oldest and a youngest is a good match. Middles are so well adjusted they could easily have an oldest or youngest partner. Two middles may not communicate that well with each other.

As parents, we also want to consider both order factors. We want to avoid the natural tendency to overly identify with the child that has our same birth order. We want to help first borns learn to ease up on themselves and others. Oldest children need us as parents to help them move towards excellence, but not perfectionism. We can encourage middles to express themselves and help them not get stepped on by siblings. We can help develop the emotional maturity and responsibility of youngest children. 

Birth order doesn't change when people remarry or blend families. It can, however, predict where conflict could occur and how to help prevent it.

In counseling individuals, couples, and families, I always ask about birth order and siblings; I'm curious about how it figures into your relationships.

Whether you are a typical or atypical person for your birth order, understanding the role birth order usually plays for individuals and relationships can give you valuable information about understanding yourself and others better.

The Power of Your Mindset

We spend a number of minutes each day picking out what we are going to wear, but there is a far more important accessory we choose each day. It's called our mindset. It influences everything we do. It can hurt us or help us. We can start by identifying our mindset and being aware of how it is influencing our behaviors.

Stanford University psychologist and researcher, Carol Dweck, wrote a classic book on understanding your mindset which includes some elegantly simple ideas that are useful for our daily lives at work and at home. Our mindset may be the most critical factor in creating achievement and success in our lives. The book is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, How to Learn to Fulfill Our Potential (Ballantine Books, 2006).

There are two essential types of mindsets, fixed and growth. They are the equivalent of entering different worlds. Mindsets are belief systems. Mindsets can be changed if you choose to. You canhave a different mindset on different issues or in different areas of your life.

In a fixed mind-set, your own personal narrative is limited. You judge yourself harshly, with a mistake meaning failure. A fixed mindset make disappointments or rejection seem like all is lost. You can be upset with either mindset, but in the fixed one you can't see hope or the possibility of learning lessons and going on to later success. This mindset tells you there are limits to your intelligence, your career, your relationships and your life. One can operate with confidence from either mindset, but the fixed one makes that confidence brittle and fragile if something doesn't work out.

In contrast, the growth mindset makes a huge difference in how you process disappointment failure and rejection. It believes you can change, grow and learn all your life if you are open to it. A growth-oriented mindset allow you to focus on learning rather than ego investment in being smart.

In parenting children towards a growth mindset, we would want to honor effort and learning new things rather than achievement, grades or awards our children get. A growth mindset doesn't believe you have to easily master new skills without effort, or that you are simply born talented or not. It focuses on learning new things about yourself, others and the world each day. This mindset makes it okay to work diligently at things, experience failure and go forward.
In your romantic partnership a fixed mindset could be thinking that the relationship either makes you happy or it doesn't, and then you will need to break up or divorce. A growth mindset helps you see that your closest relationship gives you the opportunity everyday to learn to become a better communicator, a stronger listener and more loving.
In your business, a growth mindset tells you to learn from everything that happens, and readjust your sails if you're not headed towards the results you want. The fixed mindset will tell you to give up if you run into obstacles.

You can demonstrate either the fixed or growth mindset towards:

• Your marriage
• Your business
• Learning new skills and tasks
• Parenting
• School
• Loss
• Life
• Friendships
• Activities
• Sports
• Hobbies

You will tend to get very different results with one mindset or the other. Change is difficult for most people. A growth mindset won't solve everything, but it will contribute to helping you develop a richer life where you don't live a life that is too small and limiting. Dweck's book is a great introduction to the idea of mindsets, and might be a great starting point for constructive conversations at work and at home. You just might want to challenge yourself and those you care about to shift to the growing side of mindset. For now, consider that mindset as an accessory to be chosen every day, and choose wisely.

Plan B: When Resiliency Matters

Sheryl Sandberg, author of Leaning In and COO of Facebook, unexpectedly lost her husband Dave Goldberg this May in an accident while they were on a vacation together in Mexico. The couple were very close and shared roles as breadwinners and parents. She has just become a single parent with the task of finishing raising their son and daughter by herself.

In June, she finished sheloshim, the first thirty days of mourning for a spouse called for by their Jewish faith, and she is reentering many of her normal activities. Sandberg released an essay she posted on Facebook about her experience losing Dave, what motherhood means to her now, and what she has learned about how to respond with sensitivity when others experience loss. It's well worth reading.
I was particularly struck by a brave comment Sandberg makes about making plans for one of their children to go to a father/child event with a family friend who offered to step in for Dave. She wanted Dave, but their friend pointed out that Dave was not an option, so they needed to go to plan B. Sandberg discloses feeling so much loss at Plan A for her life not working out and grieving it deeply, but now committing herself fiercely to Plan B. I honor her resiliency.

The ability to come back from loss, disappointment, rejection and failure is one of the most essential character traits we need to develop and we need to help our children develop. I've been counseling individuals and families long enough to know that there is a random distribution of bad things that happen in life, even if you're making your best effort. Your partner can die prematurely. You can work hard in your marriage to be a faithful and loving partner and still see it end in divorce. You can have an infant or a child not survive. You can lose your home or your business. You or a family member can become disabled which can dramatically alter what you had planned. What are we to do?

Being resilient and going on after loss and disappointment takes courage, bravery and spirit. You have to make the decision to go on, rebuild and go for the joy again, despite what has happened. Life is full of unexpected things, and sometimes the best we can do is to experience and process the feelings of loss, work towards acceptance and throw ourselves hard into Plan B. Sandberg's essay includes thoughtful insights on what has just happened to her family, and also the tenacity that she expresses to go forward for herself and her children.

There are lessons here, too, to be shared with our children about not just striving to achieve and accomplish great things, but also the spirit to come back from difficult things. Perhaps we should celebrate most of all when they try again following challenges, failure, loss and disappointment. Encouraging our children to be real and also be strong and resilient are some of the best values we can role model or instill. We can't bubble wrap our children to protect them, but we can encourage and honor their lessons in bouncing back from adversity and not giving up.

Raising strong, kind and resilient children is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. Being a person and a parent who lives in this resilient way isn't easy at all. 

Loss and disappointment can open us up in the most amazing ways to the importance of living life well and cultivating close relationships. Loss makes us realize how fragile we are all, what's really essential and how precious life is. Significant losses can tenderize us and open our hearts even more than before. Being resilient, and going forward despite how we are changed, is what takes real courage.

Want a Closer Family? Eat Together

Dinner is about more than just the food you are eating. Eating together as a family is the emotional connecting point of the day. For busy families who are often running in different directions to work, school or sports activities, it’s more important than ever to reserve time to bond.

Read my article from the Orange County Register about family dinners here.

Preparing For The Empty Nest

What happens when you send your only or last child to college? Mom and Dad need to give some thought to their next chapter. You don't want your college student to worry that you won't be okay! You also don't want them to feel frustrated with the neediness of too frequent phone calls so that they are distracted from making a positive adjustment to college. Starting to think about this transition a year or two ahead of launching your only or youngest child is a good idea.

If you've been an involved and caring parent, you want to plan for the sense of loss that can occur when your son or daughter departs for college. I like to remind parents that launching your child successfully into college is the desired outcome of the parenting project. It's just that it's an ending. You may have feelings of sadness, loss, grief, relief, joy and worry. You will also have some free time and emotional energy that you can redistribute to other people and causes.
After the college launch is a good time to develop your sense of self. What are your other interests and passions you haven't had time to pursue? Would you like to take a class or learn something new? Perhaps you'd like to volunteer for a cause you care about. In Orange County, where my counseling practice is, we have a great non-profit organization called OneOC that can help you quickly scan most volunteer needs in our local community.

It can be helpful to picture your life as a grid of about 16 boxes. While you are in the heavy parenting years, your children can fill many of the boxes. As you prepare to launch the youngest, it's time to re-examine your grid. You need many different facets of your life to be fully developing and keep yourself interested and interesting. Here are some boxes to consider for your life grid:

• Creativity
• Career
• Spirituality
• Self-Care
• Physical Health
• Physical Activities
• Outdoor Time
• Personal Growth
• Love Relationship
• Friendships
• Community Service
• Family Relationships
• Home
• Finances
• Intellectual Growth
• Travel

In each area, you can identify a goal and a small step you can take to move forward. It's best to take on just a couple of grid blocks at a time. This can be a kind of road map for giving your life a well-rounded feel.

For couples, I like to encourage you to think of launching your youngest child as a time for a renaissance for your marriage. Here's a fun exercise you can do with your partner about creating positive experiences together:

Have each partner write a separate list about fun things you liked to do together when you were first together, what you currently enjoy doing together, and what you would enjoy doing together in the future. Next, compare lists. You can negotiate trying some of the future activities that each of you would like. Remember, before your youngest child departs is a great time to intentionally begingrowing closer and having more fun together as a couple.

Entrances (like births, adoptions, marriages and remarriages) and exits (deaths, divorce, separations and transitions to the next phase of life) are challenges for the family system. Being intentional about making the transition to becoming empty nesters another positive chapter in your life helps everyone.
Actively creating this transition will serve you better than ignoring it until you come back from dropping your son or daughter at college. The whole family needs to make some adjustments and grow, adults included. You may find that you grow closer to your child as the space increases between you. It helps to remember that a part of being a good parent at some transition points is letting go with love.

A Long Goodbye: Mom's Legacy

My mom passed away this week after a 9 year battle with cancer. I'm feeling grateful for having her as my mom all these years, for the kind of mother, grandmother and person she was. I also feel profoundly grateful for the hospice staff who helped us and the unsung hero, my dad, who was her caregiver and made it possible for her to stay at home as she wished.

Over the past 9 years, I've had lunch and some kind of outing with mom pretty much every Friday. We didn't let cancer get in our way much. We went out for lunch and an adventure, even if we needed to pack a walker or a wheelchair. We talked about so many things: her growing up years in Kansas on a wheat farm in the Great Depression with her 7 brothers and sisters, losing her dad when she was still young, about her life as a wife, a mother, and especially her constant joy with being a grandmother to my daughters.

Since I have known for years that her cancer was a terminal type of blood tumor cancer, I've had a great deal of time to reflect on all the wonderful life lessons she taught me. Here are some of the best lessons she taught me with her life:

1. Invest in people. If you invest in children, maybe you can be close to them all your life as they grow up. When I called many of mom's friends this week, I was moved by how close so many different people felt to her.

2. Being a grandparent is what you make it. Join their world, slow down and be hands-on. I will never forget finding mom and my girls deep into a pasta making adventure in her kitchen and letting each child shape, cook and eat their own creation.

3. Speak up. Don't go unexpressed. Mom was not afraid to tell you how she felt. She was open and direct.

4. Always have a trip planned or something to look forward to. She loved working in the travel industry for many years and loved helping people make wonderful plans and enjoy having a trip on the horizon. Even in her last few weeks she was excited about helping us make plans for an 80th birthday brunch she was looking forward to. In her heyday, mom and I took my girls traveling on girl's trips to New York City one year, and Washington, D.C. another. Mom and Dad traveled extensively together on co-adventures they loved.

5. Make life fun. Growing up, we had a smile drawer by the front door which was actually empty but you could use your imagination to grab one on your way in or out. We had a backwards party as kids where we ate dessert first and did everything backwards. Mom made international dinner nights when my sister and I were kids. She got us involved in making art projects like drawing and making marzipan.

6. Start with what you're going to wear. Anytime any family member had an important event upcoming- a graduation, dance, job interview, wedding or a big presentation, she would help by suggesting what would be good to wear or take you shopping to help you find the perfect thing.
7. Work hard and believe and you can make things happen. Mom loved a project and working towards a goal. She helped me set up my first office and get settled when we moved. She loved to have us help her rearrange the furniture as kids.

8. The importance of home. Mom made home a priority, and took delight in making it warm and inviting. She loved to entertain family and friends.

9. Stay positive and never surrender your hope. During her 9 years of battling terminal cancer, she focused on what she could still do. In the last few weeks, she joked about what would happen if she flunked hospice.

10. Make life a wonderful adventure. Mom was silly, fun and full of life. When my girls were little, she dressed up for Halloween to surprise them and served color-themed breakfasts on antique glass dishes, like a blue breakfast with blueberries or a red one with raspberries.

11. Keep learning and growing. Mom was interested in personal growth before it was even fashionable. She took classes and read extensively about relationships and spirituality. She and dad introduced me to the enneagram by taking some classes with them in Santa Monica many years ago. She loved to learn and understand herself, others and the world better. I'm sure she influenced my becoming a therapist.
My mom, Phyllis Nelson, leaves a legacy in many hearts. She was brave, kind, determined and creative. I will always remember mom with a strong, warm feeling in my heart, and I think lots of other people feel the same way.
 

Courage Wall Project: What Would You Write?

Leadership coach Nancy Belmont from Alexandria, Virginia unveiled something both powerful and inspiring this May in her hometown. It's a set of giant blackboards stretching eight feet tall and twenty feet wide along a wooden fence on a busy street. A bucket of chalk hangs on each side of the blackboard. The top of the chalkboard asks what people wish they had the courage to do and people filled it up with things they'd love to be brave enough to accomplish.

Within a few hours, the chalkboard was full. Belmont photographed the entries and created a Facebook page of what people wrote down. Then she added more chalkboards. Turns out, people in Alexandria and all over the world are resonating with this idea. Belmont says she was inspired by a TED talk to live big and a Before I Die Project in New Orleans a few years ago. Belmont had participated in a 360 leadership assessment with feedback from others as well as herself identifying that she needed to be more courageously authentic. This project was a huge fear, but now her greatest success.

Belmont says it's often the case that people come to the wall not sure of what they fear or will write down, but the exercise helps peel away the layers to let the fears emerge. The first fear she wrote down was "I wish I had the courage not to worry about money", which she found challenging as a small business owner. After the first week in June, Belmont's chalkboards will go down in Alexandria, but she hopes to take it on the road.

A few of the powerful things that participants have written down that they want to be courageous enough to manifest are...

• Adopting a child
• Not to be a bully
• Run for office
• Start a business
• Ask for a second date
• Stand up for myself
• Be me
• Say no
• Change careers
• Try out for the crew team
• Go to a shelter
• Bike a volcano
• Travel to a foreign country
• Tell my secrets
• Be vulnerable
• Risk looking foolish
• be okay failing or being rejected
• Move across the country
• Ask the person I like out
• Tell my partner what I really need

Belmont has received lots of positive feedback, that the exercise has moved many participants to take positive action towards the things they most wanted in life but were afraid to try for.

Everything in life that matters takes some risk. Fear isn't a bad thing, but we don't want to allow fear to run our lives and keep us from taking healthy risks and growing. I love Belmont's project because it reminds all of us of the power of setting our intentions. It also demonstrates the power of having a community that bears witness to our hopes, dreams and plans. Living big, with authenticity and courage is possible for each of us, and when we see others around us living this way, it can become contagious.

How could you live your life bigger, and get past a fear that is holding you back from living fully? When people are interviewed in their 70's and beyond, they often regret the risks not taken and the words that were not expressed. The courage wall project is a powerful exercise to reflect on by yourself, or discuss with your partner and children. We need more warriors for brave authenticity. You are the author of your own story. Pass it on!

Finding the Right Therapist

I often get asked how to find a therapist and more importantly, one that is the right fit for you. It can be a challenging experience, especially if you are trying therapy for the first time. I found this great article by Gabrielle Moss from Bustle.com that breaks down finding a therapist step by step. It's a good resource and an entertaining read!

Continue Reading on Bustle.com

Invisible Girl (Book Review)

Mariel Hemingway grew up feeling invisible, and now she's written a book with Ben Greenman to share her story with teens called Invisible Girl, (Regan Arts, 2014). She was born in 1961, a few months after the death of her famous grand father, writer Ernest Hemingway. That's just the start of her complicated family.

In Hemingway's family, she grew up dealing with her parent's alcoholism, OCD, and depression. Her mother became frail with cancer and dependent on Mariel. Her parent's marriage was full of conflict. She has memories of hearing them argue and fight intensely. She'd wake up and clean up all the broken dishes after their late night drunken tussles. Mariel was the youngest of three daughters, and both older sisters had mental illness. (Later in life, older sister Margaux, an actress, also died by an intentional drug overdose, just one day before the anniversary of her grandfather's suicide.)

The book is written like a diary in the voice of young Mariel as she observes what is going on in her family, and attempts to make sense of it. She includes "things to think about" at the end of each section for teens who may be reading it. Growing up in the small town of Ketchum, Idaho, Mariel often found solace and comfort by going outside into nature. The book has suggestions for teens on how to cope in positive ways with family problems, including talking about your experiences with someone you trust.

All the concepts in the book are put into teen-friendly terms. It's a short read of just 176 pages, with sketches and self-care tip lists in each chapter.

When children grow up with alcoholic parents, they adapt in different ways. Mariel became the "parentified" child, often cleaning up after her parent's drinking bouts and caregiving for her ill mother. The concept of growing up feeling invisible is an apt one. It's tough to grow up in a home where your development is overshadowed by parent's problems like substance abuse, a high conflict relationship or mental illness. Young people can see themselves as supporting cast to the family drama.

Learning to tell your story and have it validated by someone you trust, and to learn to do self-care are steps to becoming visible. This is a simple little book about some important subjects that don't often get talked about with teens. Hemingway's tone is kind and caring, and she carries credibility for having lived through family issues and becoming a happy, well-balanced adult who still finds her comfort in nature.Young people can feel less alone if they know that others are dealing or have dealt with similar family issues. Hopefully, Hemingway's book can reach girls and help them process difficult family dynamics and begin to consider their own needs.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (Book Review)

Letting go of things you no longer need or that don't make you happy can create valuable physical and emotional space around you. In her bestselling book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (Ten Speed Press, 2014), Japanese master organizer Marie Kondo illuminates some strategies for living the life you want by getting your environment unstuck and free of clutter. When we put our house in order it gives clarity on what else in our lives we need to put in order or take action on. It's empowering.

How we care for the place we live and the place we work in is a reflection of our self-esteem. A cluttered, messy house can make people anxious, depressed or overwhelmed. Kondo suggests that she has seen big emotional, career and family improvements as she helps her clients weed through their belongings and houses. Perhaps by identifying what in our houses, closets and bookshelves really inspires us and makes us happy we can cut to the core of our truest self.

Marie Kondo suggests we don't make "tidying up" an everyday occurrence. If we do it right and eliminate the places where stuff gathers and reduce the amount of stuff we have, we may be able to create a home for needed and loved items and only "tidy up" a time or two each year. It's a special event. How do we transform our lives through clearing space? Here are a few of her practical suggestions:

1. Start with your clothes. Gather them all up. Put them into categories: coats, jackets, shirts, pants, dresses, shorts, sweaters, socks, shoes, etc. Go through one category at a time.

2. Discard first.

3. Discard alone. Family members may want to deter you or steer you off course.

4. Sort through all like items at the same time by gathering them all together in one room with you.

5. For selection criteria: Does it spark joy? (If yes, save. If no, discard.) Is it broken or beyond repair?
 ( If yes, discard.)

6. Don't start with mementos, it will slow you down.

7. With your books, identify those that go in your hall of fame. These books really mean something to you. Donate the rest.

8.  Keep all papers only in one spot. Categorize into: currently use, needed for a limited period of time and keep indefinitely. Consider shredding and letting go of old paperwork you really don't need.

9. Miscellaneous items: keep only if you love them. This includes CDs, DVDs, accessories, skincare and grooming products, makeup. household cleaning products, kitchen items and food items, electrical appliances, loose change and valuables like passports and credit cards.

10. Save photos for last.

11. Make a place or home for each thing you are saving.

12. Floor space is valuable. Don't take up floor space with things that can be neatly housed in a closet.

I liked The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up very much. It helps the reader to reflect on our home and office and think of it as sacred space. Honoring yourself with breathing space is a great beginning to step to moving through any life transition. It can help you to have clarity about what's really important and feel empowered to focus on the most essential things.

Seymour: An Introduction (Film Review)

A few years ago, actor Ethan Hawke attended a dinner party with friends and was introduced to virtuoso pianist and composer Seymour Bernstein. They had a wonderful evening with conversation about stage fright, career success vs. success in life as a whole, developing and sharing your creative gifts, hard work and craft. Hawke was so intrigued with the 88 year-old Goldstein that he made him the subject of his first documentary film. I'm glad he did, because the sensitively constructed portrait and interviews with Bernstein and his current and former piano students of different ages has many valuable life lessons in it that don't require any knowledge of music.

Seymour: An Introduction (2014) is out in limited release in theatres now. It debuted at the Telluride Film Festival last summer and won an award at the Toronto International Film Festival. It's noteworthy that Seymour is a classical pianist who toured internationally as a younger man, and then abandoned his rising career at age 50 to retreat to a quieter life where he teaches piano from his one-room apartment in New York city. 

In the film, we can see the mentoring relationship that Seymour develops with his students and former students, as well as with Hawke. Bernstein has wisdom, and he has his own ideas about creative gifts and talent. 

Bernstein says in the film that he believes music is an important part of becoming a complete person. He suggests having children take piano lessons and having them practice while you supervise. Practicing a musical instrument is a great metaphor for others things in life which necessitate our continued effort, patience and tenacity. One of Bernstein's former students who is now a professional concert pianist himself laughs about how often people will comment after his concerts that they wish they could just sit down and play the beautiful classical pieces that he does. He reminds them that every song takes uncountable hours of practice. The craft is part of the art of music. It takes focus and discipline, which builds character.

Bernstein and Hawke engage in an interesting dialogue about professional success. Both agree that you don't always earn money for the things you most need to create, but you need to create them anyway. Hawke shares about making far more money on big films he doesn't care as much for, while some of his smaller projects (like this documentary film) mean much more. They both reflect on how the ego can get in the way of great art, music, film or theatre.

I especially liked the part of the film where Bernstein shares how he deals with questions about why he chose to stop performing publically after age 50. He says he feels he had done it, and proved he could do it. Since then, for the last 38 years, "he pours all of that out" in what he gives to his students.

In music, like in life, Bernstein says, we need harmony, conflict, and resolution.

Great music, like great art of all kinds, evokes deeply felt emotion that touches us at a very deep level. This thought resonated with me, as I reflected on hospice work with terminally ill patients years ago, and a gifted music therapist who could draw out emotion and responsiveness with her
harpsichord at the bedside. Music can transport us to another place, time or emotional state.

Hawke had confided in Bernstein about the stage fright he had developed in his 40's, and Bernstein reassures him that is normal in good performances. He had experienced it, too. Bernstein quips that maybe a few more (overly-confident artists) should feel some trepidation as well.

Seymour: An Introduction is a charming little independent film you will enjoy. It's chock full of his sage advice and reflections about living with passion and speaking honestly from your heart rather than saying what others expect. It is refreshing to have films that question what creative success really is and challenge the popular notion of easy success without sustained work at your craft. (Think The Voice or American Idol) Seymour has a lot to say about not only music, but about living life your own way. Now that's a life well lived.

Before 'I Do' : The Case For Pre-Marital Counseling

Is pre-marital counseling a good idea for most couples? Absolutely. It's very easy to get caught up planning the details of the wedding, reception and honeymoon. Many couples don't ever get to some of the tough issues that couples need to discuss about building their life together after the wedding is over. The wedding is really just the starting line for your relationship.

It can also really help to have an objective and professional person whose job it is to focus on all the potential areas for conflict and guide you on how to handle them. You can learn in pre-marital counseling how to set a foundation to work through future concerns in an empathic, mature and open way. We know all couples have conflict, so learning how you can work through them in a calm, respectful way before you walk down the aisle is a huge benefit. The counselor's office can be the best and safest place to identify and learn how to work with your differences as a couple.

Sometimes couples are "so in love" that they are not looking at challenges and differences in a realistic way. Each partner was raised in their own family, and bring their own unique style of expressing affection, ways to work through or avoid conflict, partner roles, and the balance of separateness/togetherness. Whatever you saw happen in your family feels 'normal' to you. Being able to identify the strengths and weaknesses in each of the families you grew up in with help you illuminate the differences between you in a non-defensive setting. You may or may not want the relationship your parents had, and your partner had their own experiences.

Couples who marry in their 20's or 30's may not be fully individuated from their own families. Couples who remarry later can underestimate what it takes in emotional maturity to blend a family together and be a stepparent to their partner's children. Being pushed hard by a therapist on how you will handle conflicts over in-laws, parenting, money, debt, affection/sex, religion/spirituality, holidays and other pivotal issues is very helpful so that you have a plan. Think of pre-marital counseling like a preemptive strike. You will have different wants and needs, so having a safe way to discuss them is so important. Your partner may be very loving, but will never read your mind.

In last summer's findings in the National Marriage Project, they found that couples who've had pre-marital counseling do better. The odds of having a happy marriage are linked to how people functioned in their relationships before marriage.

Taking the time to address how you will handle difficult topics, like personal boundaries, jealousy, intimacy, work stress, family demands, feelings about having children, and limits you will put on distractions to couples time (cellphones, tablets, television) is time well invested in your happiness as a couple. In short, counseling before you get married helps you keep the emphasis on the life you are building together, rather than just one, big eventful day. Successful marriages take loving, honoring, communicating respectfully, listening, negotiating and seeing the other person's perspective. Pre-marital counseling can help you get there.

Rethinking Retirement: Yes, No or Maybe Later

When are you going to retire?

More people are working later in their lives rather than at or near 65. Life expectancy is at least 25 years longer than it was a century ago. A later retirement might be for financial reasons, but there areplenty of other professionals who really enjoy the work they are doing. Some people want to continue to work either part or full time beyond age 65. Maybe it's good that people are mixing up the three boxes of life- play, learning and work- and not limiting over 65 to just one.

Over half of baby boomers say they are planning to work past age 66. We should expect that people at work and your family and friends may ask you about your plans for retirement, so it's an advantage to have a plan in mind and think through what you envision for your 60's, 70's and beyond.

In planning for the emotional shifts in retirement, it's essential to prepare for how you will replace the satisfaction, contribution and people contact you may have had through work. You want to consider not only what are you are retiring from, but what are you retiring to? Shifting from full time to part time work can be a strategy to ease into the transition and give yourself time to adjust.

Retiring later has to be worked through as a couple if you are partnered, with consideration for your age difference and individual needs. Some couples retire together, while others negotiate one working months or years longer. Before and after the retirement of one or both partners, couples need to work through how roles may need to change, and how they will continue to cultivate both separate and joint activities. I don't recommend that couples spend all their time together as it's not enough fresh input and could lead to suffocating each other emotionally. Balancing individuation and close connection is key at all stages of a couple's relationship.

Learning to love, honor and negotiate through different visions for the this chapter of life is key. Couples can be on the same clocks while working and raising children, but have very different hopes and dreams after that. I'm working with several mature couples who are trying to navigate through their different ideas about retirement and relocation in a way that is loving. Think about discussing these hopes and needs, not assuming that your partner's align with yours.

It's also important to position yourself at work to stay later in your career if that's what you choose. Stay up to date with technology. Keep doing continuing education. Join and be involved in professional associations. Meet and befriend work colleagues of different ages. Communicate your intentions to others at work that you intend to stay longer. Stay engaged and passionate about your work. Learn new things. Take on long-term projects. Be involved in mentoring and reciprocal mentoring relationships. Keep setting goals and working towards them.

Retirement? Maybe, maybe not. It's a whole new world of possibilities, and all the old assumptions are out. If we are likely to live past 80, we're getting bonus years our great grandparents didn't have. It's bonus time to do whatever we enjoy and the things that keep us active and engaged in life.

Saving Your Relationships From Death by Cellphone

Angels baseball pitcher Jared Weaver was quoted in an article in the OC Register yesterday by sports writer Jeff Fletcher yesterday that things are very different in the Angels clubhouse before games now than they were when he came up to the majors in 2006. Players used to talk, bond and communicate with each other freely. Now people are, "checking all their stuff on their phones." Minnesota Twins manager Paul Molitor has made a rule asking his team to not use phones for 30 minutes before all regular season games. It is hard to regulate adults, but clearly cell phone use is impacting relationships not only on sports teams but also at work, between couples and within families.

It's great to stay connected, but when are we too connected to our cellphones and not connected enough in person, live with the people we live with? How can we put some limits on our phone habits so we are intentionally present in our relationships? What rules can we set with our children and teens, and what can we negotiate to clear sacred space for our relationship with family and close friends?

In the Sunday, March 22 edition of the New York Times, writer Bruce Feiler focused on cellphones in his This Life column. Fieler reminds us that despite children and teens having cellphones, you are still the parent. I like to remind parents in family counseling that they are the co-architects of their families and can take bold moves to make families stronger and better places to be. Cellphone habits can deteriorate the quality of your family relationships without your action and intentionality.

Here are a few of his excellent suggestions:

1. Put some limits on when phones are used. Children and adults may need to park and plug in their phones with a curfew on phone use. The Obamas don't allow their girls to use cellphones during the school week, for example. Park the phones in a place where you can monitor. Several studies have shown that teens with their phones in their rooms sleep less.

2. No cell phones at family times---mealtimes, connecting times, etc. Stack the cell phones up in a visible spot if you are out to eat together.

3. Car rides are important connecting and bonding time. Some families have a no cellphones rule for the first 20 minutes of any car ride. Remember the games we played in cars going on road trips when we grew up? 

4. Do more electronics free activities with each other, like bike riding, hiking, camping, swimming, surfing and walking.

5. Teach your kids to read texts twice and when it is okay and not okay to text. I want parents to teach their children that texts are fine for brief data transmission like a time to meet, but not a place to work through relationship conflicts because it is full of miscommunication possibilities and is no substitute for brave in person discussions about emotionally charged topics. For example, 
it's fine to make plans to meet at 5:00 for the movie, but don't break up with someone by text.

6. Keep talking with your children about bullying, sexting, gossiping and other potential cellphone mistakes and the possible harm that can be done. Remind them not to send out anything that they wouldn't want broadly distributed.

7. Do unto yourself. Make sure you abide by the same limits and set times when you put your own cellphone away. I often have children and teens complain to me in counseling about parents who can't stop being on their phones.

8. Don't interrupt special moments with your partner or your child to answer the phone.

Taking an active leadership role in your family is important for making sure that your family relationships don't get fragmented by cellphone use. Whether you're out on a date night, a walk with your partner, or interacting with your children, it's of crucial importance to the relationship to be engaged and fully present. This shows the other person that they are more important than anyone or anything else in the world right now, and that feels wonderful. Isn't that attention from those we love the thing we all crave and need so deeply?

The Opposite of Spoiled

Raising children in an affluent area like Orange County, California has its unique challenges. For example, if you have a nanny when the children are little, when is it time for the children to make their own beds and clean up after themselves? If we are going to launch great young adults they need life skills and independence, not helplessness and entitlement. How can you raise responsible, kind and capable young adults even when they come from an advantaged family? A recently published book by Ron Lieber targets this concern in The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money, (Harper, 2015).

Many parents feel that they want to do more for their offspring than their parents did for them, but also don't want their children to become spoiled. What is the opposite of spoiled? Perhaps it's raising children who are appreciative, grateful, and unselfish?

Children and teens often envy and want the things they see friends having, as well as things on social media and television. Lieber takes the stance that parents need to have conversations with their children and teens, throughout growing up, about responsible and irresponsible choices with money.  Children need to giving financial education at appropriate ages about saving, credit, limits and wastefulness.

Lieber's book made me think about parents I am working with who are making decisions about the first car their 16 year-old will drive, and what portion of the cost of the car, gas, and insurance the young person will pay. Even if parents can afford a fancier car, maybe the best decision involves helping to teach your teen about money and earning things. Maybe a safe used car sends a better message.

Lieber has some good advice on how to answer questions about money, like "How much do you earn?". He has a fun 'hours of fun' metric that he recommends parents introduce kids to before they are purchasing items. For example, how many hours of fun might you get from this bike versus this phone. Lieber has his suggestions on how to teach children to save, spend and give parts of their allowance. They have to learn from making some of their own mistakes, Lieber cautions.

Volunteering with your child or teen is another great way to introduce conversations with them about money, values, and service. While my youngest daughter went to a private, religious high school with plenty of advantaged teens, we had some good Saturday mornings volunteering for a local food pantry together.

The books assumes a degree of privilege in the family, so it's not a book geared at every family. However if you are raising children in an affluent area, this book is full of good ideas on teaching children about being wise with money, saving, being generous with others who are less fortunate and making good decisions. Conversations about money are also conversations about our values.  Why would we let social media or the Kardashians have a bigger say about what's important than we do? It's time to start talking with our children about money as it's a part of preparing them to launch successfully into adult life and be grounded.

7 Ways to Be Her Hero

Doug Fields has a great new book in which he targets advice for men about stepping up and becoming the man their partner can love and respect. It's called 7 Ways To Be Her Hero: The One Your Wife Has Been Waiting For (W Publishing Group 2014). While Doug has a background in ministry and church leadership, he's an entertaining and approachable writer and speaker whose book has universal truths no matter your background. 

Fields encourages each person to develop some depth, as well as slowing down to get out of living life like a NASCAR race. There is more to life than speed. Quality relationships take time, effort and intention. Anyone can fall in love, all it takes is a pulse. It's keeping the connection that is admirable and requires that people dig deeper into understanding themselves and the other person.

So what does Fields recommend that men do to become their partner's hero?

1. Edit. Don't say everything you think. Avoid defensiveness and criticism.

2. Choose your words carefully. Use them to support, encourage and build up your partner. Be sincere and specific. Notice what is loving and right in the other person. Let them know when and how they positively impact your life. Fields recalls Gary Chapman's five love languages, encouraging men to find out whether their partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

When you identify your partner's preferred language, use it.

3. Become a world-class listener. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Make eye contact. Don't multi-task. This creates emotional intimacy. Try to grow beyond sharing clichés, facts and opinions into the deeper levels of sharing feelings and needs.

4. Go big with small things. Be generous emotionally by noticing her preferences and needs. Pay attention and do small actions that will please her. Doug shares great examples in his book of moving past selfishness to being sensitive to making your partner's day easier or better.

5. Increase non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging and kissing hello or goodbye, sitting by her on the couch, or touching her gently when you pass her. It's been said that when it comes to sexuality, men can be like microwave ovens and women are more like crock pots. Gentle, non-sexual, non-demanding, affectionate touch is something that most women want more of.

6. Putting the pride aside. Great guys can apologize and admit mistakes. Humility and confidence are a winning combination.

7. Care for her heart. Help her heal from childhood wounds and past relationship pain through your devotion and steadfastness. Point out her strengths and the things you love about her. Fill her tank. Help her to feel safe by being trustworthy and honest. Inspire her respect by being impeccable with your word.

Doug Fields' insights come partly from many years of facilitating and leading men's groups, speaking with women, and his own marriage. 7 Ways to Be Her Hero is a quick, easy read and has lots of relatable vignettes. It's a gem of a book that just might make a big difference in your own life, or the life of the man you love. Emotional intimacy in relationships is built one day at a time, and this book can give you practical tools to do it.

Teaching Children Virtues

Parents of school-aged children get busy, and sometimes focus on their children's negative behaviors. It's important to know that as a parent, you have the power to create teachable moments to introduce your children to developing positive character traits that will serve them well all their lives. Parents don't have to take a passive role, feeling frustrated with the values in movies, society and media that impact their children and teens. Instead, you and your partner can be the choreographers in teaching your children to be virtuous.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles can also make valuable contributions by teaching positive character traits, and discussing them with the young people whose lives you touch.

To get started, you will need to make a list of the character virtues that you admire in people. Here are some to consider, but you can develop a list of your own personal favorites:

• Humility/Modesty
• Gentleness
• Self-control
• Patience
• Kindness  
• Compassion
• Self-discipline
• Productiveness
• Tenacity/ Perseverance
• Courage
• Integrity
• Honesty
• Self-care
• Independence
• Creativity
• Resourcefulness
• Open-mindedness
• Love of learning
• Justice
• Personal leadership
• Forgiveness
• Gratitude
• Playfulness
• Teamwork
• Spirituality
• Cultivating joy/happiness
• Appreciation of beauty
• Social responsibility/service
• Humanity (caring for others)

You might begin by choosing which trait you want to focus on with the young person/people in your life for the next month. I generally encourage parents to begin with the virtue you believe your children are most needing for their development. For example, if your children argue with each other and annoy each other, you may want to begin with focusing on teamwork.

If you hold weekly family meetings, as I encourage all the families I work with in family counseling to do, the meeting is a great time to introduce this month's virtue. You can have one of the children make a poster to hang up in the kitchen about that value, and have each family member add examples that they see at the next family meeting.

Make a plan for how you can teach the value of each trait. You can discuss it, help the child make an art project/collage demonstrating it, do some volunteer work together to experience it, or go on an outing together to explore it. You can look for examples of a particular character trait in the news or within the people you each know and talk about it. Asking children to watch for an example that they see among their friends of a particular virtue is fun and engages them. If you are teaching about service, perhaps you can do some volunteer work as a family as well as have each family member do random acts of kindness for others and compare notes.

Have some fun and be creative. I can remember being a child and learning about choosing a positive attitude by having a hall table with an empty drawer that we pulled a smile from each day when we left the house. Small children love to use their imaginations to learn things.

Grandparents can share stories about family members and others who demonstrated living the virtue you wish to help develop.

Parents, as well as family therapists, too often focus on negative behaviors. Helping actively develop character virtues and strengths is a healthy way to help create a next generation who are wise, transcend self, humane towards others, self-motivated and wonderful to be in relationship with. I can't think of a better legacy to leave behind us.